Last week presidential candidate John Edwards stood next to his wife Elizabeth announcing she now has bone cancer. She stood by with a smile and confidence we have become accustomed to since 2004 when she faced and conquered breast cancer. She is preparing to undergo another medical protocol to stem the tide.
Ironically, only a week before my 30 year old friend, who has undergone 15 months of intense chemo protocols shared the same news. What is different for my friend is she did not get the respite from treatments she so anticipated.
Fifteen months ago, her doctor reported the diagnosis of an aggressive third stage breast cancer. A double mastectomy and chemo began immediately. Her intrepid spirit kept her facing each day. Managing her work and treatment schedule quietly and with precision, she hardly skipped a beat.
During her first round of chemotherapy, she endured hair loss wearing her favorite baseball cap. The doctors decided to start her on a second round of chemo with another experimental drug; keeping her every other week schedule hooked up to an IV via the permanent arm port. Her hair growth returned during this round, and miraculously she avoided extreme side effects by either treatment.
Three weeks ago, we celebrated the final round of the 15 months IV solution drip. She hoped for a respite from the schedule of treatment and doctor appointments. Maybe she and her husband could squeeze a real vacation in.
She was experiencing some lower back pain and protocol dictated to check it out.One more CAT and MRI scan were scheduled.
Along with her husband and extended family they endured waiting for results over a weekend that seemed longer than usual. Last Monday night she called to give me the news she received earlier in the day. Yes, spots on the bone in two places and on her liver. She would spend the next day in conference with the specialists.
Hanging up the phone after an hour an half together, I cried. I felt the feelings I remember after hearing the diagnosis of my late husband. The memories came back with an intensity I was surprised to experience.
I thought of her young husband who has managed his role as husband and support system to his wife of six years. He is a typical young man born and raised on a farm; hunting and fishing a passion; and a strong work ethic that together, this young couple, have built their dreams of home and family.
In an instant, life changed for them 15 months ago. Together, they lived their lives as normal as one can. Weekends at their cabin, family holidays, weddings, births, deaths, interspersed with the medical protocols became their life.
When we chatted, she spoke of her disappointment. The ?why? questions emerged. The ?what is next? questions take over. She talks about everything on her mind. For the first time I hear her say, ?If I don?t make it I want to make sure that?? She?s confronts her mortality with a depth that bespeaks her will power.
With an astuteness of a patient who knows the disease, she makes plans how to confront the next steps. First, she expects to go forward with the protocols presented. She sighs, ?I?m really tired of it all, but I?ve done pretty well without a lot of side effects.? It is the truth. She?s done well and she is tired of process. But she is not willing to give up. She has things to accomplish and she intends to do it.
We?ve talked about the process on several occasions. Some of her views are profound for this listener. She shares there are days when she wishes family and friends would not hover. There are times she feels smothered with too much attention. ?I need my space sometimes,? she says. ?I know they are so concerned and love me, but I wonder if they are more afraid than I am?? she says almost wistfully.
She admits she gets tired working part-time, but she needs it to help make life normal. ?I?m doing something for others,? she says. Since I work with her also part-time I attest to that fact. Her heart touches her challenged clients. She believes in them, sees their potential, and advocates relentlessly for them. What her clients see is a woman who has shared her disease and demonstrates to them, we are all challenged by something, but we can still achieve and do our best.
We share a laugh about how she is so organized and neat. Her husband has learned some of those skills as well. He now washes and folds clothes without any of the whites turning colors! Her goal now is to assure he can maintain the rudiments of housework. ?Someday, he may need to be able to do that,? she muses. Then she moves the conversation forward to decisions to make beginning her medical protocol.
I am inspired by this young woman who is my friend. I see her strength and her vulnerability at the same time. She doesn?t want pity or sympathy; rather, she asks for honesty, support and space for her to walk the unknown path of her journey.
What she does not need is hovering sympathy, platitudes, or trying to gloss over the reality of her process. Too often she finds herself protecting everyone else because she knows they are in denial. She knows they love her and she?s all to aware they don?t know what to do but over-protect her.
She will have good and bad days. She will laugh and she will cry. She needs the space to do both without our own fears emerging with uncomfortable by her discomfort. She needs to be held; and to be left alone. Without a doubt, she will tell us when she needs either one if given the space and permission for her honest feelings to emerge without denying they exist.
It is true, she is in for the fight of her life. But, I must remember she is living each day as it comes. We will continue to work together sharing our lives and experiences. We will laugh and share tears. Each day is a gift from God. Neither one of us knows the length of days we have been given.
She says to me, ?Life is short. I want to live it.? Yes, it is short and many are wasting their days not living it. But not my friend?she?s going to live.
?MCStrom 25-March-07 DCN Opinion Column
Maralene Strom is a speaker and author who teaches on topics dealing with grief and recovery;Issues of living life 50 & Beyond; Caregiving in extended care facilities, home care, and special needs; Communicating with Empathy & Compassion. Her website features some of the topics she speaks on with information to connect with her for tele-classes, workshops or speaking to groups, conferences, etc.---- let her help you discover your life's meaning as you journey now and into your future. Visit http://AdventuresInLivingsite.com to receive her newsletter.
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