People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires, said an article I read on the Internet, and it went on to talk about the sex drive (which comes from the reptilian brain) and the emotional monogamous need, which has only been around for a few thousand years.
The reptilian brain has been around for millions of years, the limbic brain less than that, and the neocortex, still less than that. Those are our three brains, in evolutionary succession. The drives and instincts from the reptilian brain are very strong because theyre related to survival reproduction being one of them.
But the sex drive isnt the only instinct coming from the reptilian brain, and monogamy not the only societal restraint put on these drives, and when we fail to mitigate some of these instincts, to think them through before acting upon them, we always end up cheating ourselves, others, and the best deal in the situation.
Emotional intelligence is all about using all of our brains and their capacities. We will always be assaulted, so to speak, by feelings we cant, or shouldnt act upon.
And shouldnt isnt always a bad word.
Should you kill someone because they anger you? Of course not. What stops you from doing it? The thousands of years of evolutionary brain development, the constraints of the civilized society in which you live, and your ability to use your limbic and neocortex brains.
It is a rare parent, for instance, who will do willful damage to their own child, no matter what damage they cause. This is because the limbic brain controls the emotions of social bonding and parenting, and then we also have the neocortex which allows us to think. The catch is, we have to STOP and THINK. We understand when our toddler slams us across the nose with a brick all the things that we understand, while were seeing stars before out eyes, and our parental instinct is stronger than our desire to lash back, even when in pain.
Emotions predate thinking, and are stronger. Theyre our guides and keep us safe and alive. But they arent always appropriate to living in this century. We can no longer eat what annoys us. When we get strong emotions, we can be hijacked, because theyre designed to shut down thinking. If, back when these instincts developed, we stopped to think, we would be dead.
Consider, for instance, if a wooly mammoth were headed your way. The brain pumps out chemicals saying fight or flight, because it doesnt want us to take the time to think. This triggers automatic responses we turn and run, or turn to fight, with all systems on full alert.
You know this feeling if youve avoided a car accident by very fast and automatic actions. Being a cerebral type, the thought even flashed through my mind as I slammed on the brakes the other day to avoid being blind-sided by a driver who mustve been drunk or stoned, that cake on the back seat is going to be all over this car. But slam the brakes and steer for dear-life I did, long before I thought, at least in terms of the seconds it takes to save your life.
People talk about this phenomenon, BTW, saying things like My life passed before my eyes. Its like you think, but it isnt connected to action, and theres a very distorted sense of time. If youve had it happen, you know what I mean. There are times when time stands still.
One strong emotion that hijacks us is anger. Say youre at work, tired and pressured to begin with, and maybe its too hot inside with no air circulation, and maybe the colleague you have to team with on a project isnt your favorite to begin with. If he says to you something that is, or is perceived to be, an insult, you can get hijacked and cheat yourself, the other, and the goals of the project.
You stop thinking and start yelling back, or walk out, and the project is left far behind in the dust and damage may also be done to the collegial relationship.
Must you react to this strong emotion of anger? Sometimes men say they couldnt help hitting their wives because she made me angry. The counter to that is think about it if Mike Tyson made you that angry could you help hitting him? I think you will agree with the statement that even the strongest emotions can be controlled in your self-interest, and stopping to think makes it clearer what your self-interest (and the general good) is.
Another strong emotion like this is fear. If you become intimidated by someone, that is to say scared, you will also get flooded with emotion and not think clearly. Youll cheat again yourself, the others, and the goals.
You know this feeling if youve ever received terrible news. I sat with someone as her doctor told her she had cancer and it was terminal, and the person did not absorb what was being said. Two weeks later she asked me why something was being done, and I had to tell her the news the doctor had. As a self-preservation measure, her brain just shut down.
So how do you keep from cheating? When the emotions are strong, note them, and experience them, but dont react immediately. Respond instead. This means putting a gap between the stimulus (the angering person or event) and your response (action). You can do this first of all by becoming aware. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Without it, there can be no emotional intelligence.
You need to be able to observe yourself and recognize a feeling as it happens. Then handle it appropriately, realizing whats behind it and finding ways to manage fear, anger, anxieties and sadness. Then channel the emotions in the service of the goal, using emotional self-control, stifling impulses and delaying gratification. Finally, you have to be able to do this about the other person, being sensitive to their feelings and understanding their position, and, when necessary, managing the emotions of others using social competence.
Those impulses will always be lurking around. Cheating is an option, not a necessity. Its your ability to choose that gives you Personal Power, an EQ competency, and your freedom lies in that space between the stimulus and the response.
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I offer coaching, distance learning courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for personal and professional development. For daily EQ tips, send blank email to EQ4U-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . i train and certify emotional intelligence coaches. Get in this field, dubbed white hot by the press, now. Classes starting monthly, no residence requirements.
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