The 10 Worst Traits of a Nintendo Made Game

Nintendo does some dumb stuff in their games on a consistent basis. I keep intros short on a consistent basis. Enjoy.

10. Animal Slaughter on a Grand Scale is Okay

So you're standing there minding your own business and a turtle comes waddling up to you. If you're a sane human being, you just watch it go by on its merry little way or pick it up and try to feed it dirt or something. If you're a Nintendo character, however, you stomp on that little terrorist's head and then kick his dead, lifeless corpse at his friends and kill them too! It doesn't end there. Innocent alligators in Donkey Kong get hit with barrels until they die of blunt force trauma (all because they're between DK and his bananas). If you come upon a bear cub in Poke'mon, you better dragon-kick that sucker in the melon until he passes out or you won't be able to fit him in your little apple-sized container. Samus is the sole reason that some species of bats are extinct. The animal crossing guy puts live fish in his pants and laughs as they die of suffocation! The list goes on and on, getting only worse. The atrocities committed in the average Nintendo release would make a PETA member's head explode. Disgusting.

9. Voice Acting (or lack thereof)

Everyone knows those few, sad little sound files. Mario jumps and he w00ts. Mario double jumps and he wahs. Mario triple jumps and it sounds like he just won the Kentucky lottery. Other than that you won't get too much out of everyone's favorite obese Italian. He's like some kind of overweight, spring-loaded caveman with a disturbing sense of fashion. And when he DOES speak actual words players are confronted with the serious consideration of whether or not to fill their own ears with silly putty to escape the helium-fueled horror. There are moments when I just want to uppercut that voice actor in the kidney, as seen in SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIO GAAAAAAAAAAALAXY!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOO!

The intro to that game alone probably makes at least 1 out of 3 respectable adults return it immediately.

Link, Samus, and Donkey Kong, on the other hand pretty much keep to themselves. In fact, when asked a question they'll just stare down the other person until they continue the conversation un-fazed. At least Link and Donkey Kong grunt or scream in pain every once in a while. Samus is some kind of deaf-mute. And what if she sneezes in that helmet? How sick would that be?

8. Spontaneously Combusting Defeated Bosses

As if gigantic octopuses, massive screaming robot pterodactyls, one-eyed spider monsters, and overgrown evil vegetation as boss characters
weren't weird enough, they all have a really strange way of cashing out. I can't for the life of me figure out why kicking coconuts at a giant octopus in Super Mario Galaxy would cause it to EXPLODE. I've heard of allergic reactions, but that's ridiculous. Gohma in The Legend of Zelda does the same thing. All I did was hit it in the eye with a slingshot and a midget sword! Isn't there a Visine for that?! These musings bring me to my next complaint, however.

7. Hindu Bosses

Apparently ALL of Nintendo's developers are led by people who believe in reincarnation. Oh look, I get to fight the Phantom Link again... I was really rusty on my volleyball skills since the last time I fought him was 30 MINUTES AGO. Oh joy it's Bowser again! This time he HOPS BEFORE HE SHOOTS FIREBALLS!! OH SWEET MOTHER OF MOSES, HE'S THROWING POINTY OBJECTS INNACURATELY!

I could do a three hour rant on Metroid Prime: Hunters. You had to suck at life to ever lose to one of the other hunters, and there were literally only two bosses that you fought about 6 times EACH. So much of the code for that game was copy-pasted that it was more reminiscent of a Kotaku article than a game.

6. Almost No Plot, But Still Has Cut Scenes

Games don't HAVE to have a story. I recognize that. But when the plot of the game I'm playing is THEPRINCESSGOTKIDNAPPEDBYTHEBIGMIS-SHAPENDINOSAURGOGETSOMESTARS (See next point) I don't want to see cut scenes. Especially not ones of the entire universe exploding or of Mario getting a kiss ON THE NOSE after all the crap he just went through. And don't even get me started on Fire Emblem. Those cut scenes don't even make sense. Just write SEE PLOT OF FIRE EMBLEM 1-9 and start the fight.

PS - Your Rival being the leader of the Elite Four was the lamest and most predictable plot twist I've ever seen. I hate you, Game Freak.

5. You lost your Power Suit/Princess/Bananas!!!

Almost every Nintendo game starts out the same. The hero/heroine is standing around, just chillin', and ALL THE SUDDEN some mushroom-headed/furry-butt/pointy-eared homie comes bobbin' out with the worst news possible. It doesn't matter if Link has saved Zelda 37 times. That chick keeps getting Natalie Holloway-ed out the castle. Same with Mario's story. Bowser doesn't even have a real REASON to kidnap Peach, unless he wants to make some kind of human/dinosaur baby with her (and I'm fairly confident that THAT wouldn't even work. I mean, I'm no doctor, but sweet mercy)

Donkey Kong's quests don't even BEGIN to make sense. It's BANANAS. They grow on trees, man. They're everywhere. But that punk goes running off to a sure death anyway. Good stuff, Nintendo writers, good stuff. The worst of the lot is the Mario Party series, though. Somehow, they manage to give a quick, 30 second explanation for why these guys are playing a board game (they're saving the world). As if the game itself wasn't bad enough...

4. Increasingly Bad Supporting Cast Over Each Iteration

Waluigi... Tatl and Tael... Lanky Kong... I'm sure that at some point in development of their respective games, somebody thought that these fools would a good idea. And then you see them. Waluigi is the most anorexic and badly groomed character I've ever seen. Tatl and Tael are like Navi, but even more obnoxious. And Lanky Kong... I'll be danged if Lanky Kong isn't some kind of sick riff on retarded kids. That's messed up, Nintendo. You've got a special spot in Hell for that.

3. Mind-Blowingly Fluctuating Difficulty

So I'm cruising through Mario Galaxy (Which I reference an obscene amount of times in this list), not having any real problems. Sure, there's a level or two that I have to retry a couple times, but besides the random boss, nothing is really too demanding. All the sudden I get to the Dreadnought Galaxy Purple Coin Challenge. I capitalized that because it's the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in a game. I spent THREE HOURS redoing and redoing that thing and STILL DIDN'T GET THE STAR. Your aim with the Wiimote has to be better than O.J. Simpson's aim with a knife if you even want to stand a chance. It was totally out of the blue and about 10 times as hard as the final level and boss fight. Thanks, Mario, for warping my mind. (I did eventually beat it, btw) Oh, and the Elite Four in Poke'mon? I get that it's the final challenge or whatever but I mean REALLY. You suck at that game if you ever get a game over screen before that point, but if you don't spend FOREEEVER leveling up before that you're just straight outta luck. That was probably the worst part about the 90's for me.

2. No Real Co-Op EVER

How many children around the world have the complexion of a dead polar bear because they spent 43 and a half straight hours playing the new Zelda game indoors and alone? The number of kids who are now friendless because they discovered Super Metroid at a young age is probably in the quabahatrillions. Something must be done to introduce these kids back to the concept of FRIENDS. Co-op mode, maybe? Nah. Co-Star mode will do just fine, won't it Nintendo? WON'T IT!?!? Until Brawl, with its supposedly good 2 player adventure mode, those kids have just had to be friendless, and hate see-saws.

1. DELAYED

Animal Crossing: Wild World
Mario Kart Wii
Super Smash Bros Brawl (LIKE SEVEN TIMES)
Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Pretty much every game involving a Zelda character ever

That's just a short list off the top of my head of Nintendo games that were announced for a certain date, and then delayed right when anticipation was at its highest. Basically, if Nintendo announces a release date for a game, that day can be freed up on your schedule because NOTHING is going to happen then. 5 million Smash fans cried themselves to sleep every time Brawl got delayed. As such, I think November 3rd should be national Hate Reggie Fils-Aime Day... where everyone on the planet posts a Youtube video of themselves crying onto their own keyboards until it they get an electrical shock from the damaged equipment strong enough to knock them out until at LEAST February 2nd, because it's coming out then, right?

-Ryan Rigney, editor, http://www.SlapStic.com